I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house