When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
How wrong was this guy?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend