Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.