[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
let’s discuss
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Hmmmmm