Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want