@ibid78: [math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken
@ibid78: Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream
@ibid78: "Your word is 'oujia'"
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won
@ibid78: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner's moves. You're gonna sacrifice some horses
@ibid78: [internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here's a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on
@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse
[patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@ibid78: [God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
@ibid78: [me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?