Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
me and my fake scenarios
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Okay me first
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Natural selection at its finest
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….