I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”