Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.