Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
relationship goals
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.