What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.