Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes