You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]