Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“What?”
– Jude
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy