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@iinkedZombie : Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
@iinkedZombie: My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
@iinkedZombie: Me: I don't feel like driving home.
5: I'll drive.
Me: You're not old enough yet.
5: and my feet won't reach the pedals.
Me: And that.
@iinkedZombie: Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
@iinkedZombie: [answers phone]
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven't showed up in 2 days!
@iinkedZombie: [first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
@iinkedZombie: Flight attendant: sir, you can't bring that on the plane.
Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.
@iinkedZombie: ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?
9 YEAR OLD: I don't even pay attention to anything I say.
@iinkedZombie: My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say "hi."
@iinkedZombie: Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce