@iinkedZombie: Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
@iinkedZombie: [after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
@iinkedZombie: 5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son
@iinkedZombie: [pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
"CAN I FEED THEM?"
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
@iinkedZombie: 5: let's play the quiet game.
5: ready..? Start.
5: whoever talks first is the loser.