@iinkedZombie: Me: I don't feel like driving home.
5: I'll drive.
Me: You're not old enough yet.
5: and my feet won't reach the pedals.
Me: And that.
@iinkedZombie: [answers phone]
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven't showed up in 2 days!
@iinkedZombie: Flight attendant: sir, you can't bring that on the plane.
Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.
@iinkedZombie: ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?
9 YEAR OLD: I don't even pay attention to anything I say.
@iinkedZombie: My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say "hi."
@iinkedZombie: Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
@iinkedZombie: I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I've got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.