Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iinkedZombie's best tweets

@iinkedZombie : [1st time meeting a friends baby] Me to the Wife: "Our baby would kill their baby in a duel." Friend: "HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!"

@iinkedZombie: Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@iinkedZombie: I spend too much of my time asking our dog, "have you seen the kids?!"

@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@iinkedZombie: [after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

@iinkedZombie: 5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son

@iinkedZombie: I wasn't snoring..

I was dreaming I'm a dirt bike.

@iinkedZombie: [pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
"CAN I FEED THEM?"
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

@iinkedZombie: 5: let's play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.