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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello