It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Ion see the issue
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.