“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Monday
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”