Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”