I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
consequences, the bane of my existence
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”