Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
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Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
So glad we cleared that up
Breaking news:
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.