yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.