That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.