@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@imadepoopstoday: [job interview]
"We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position."
It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it.
@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
@imadepoopstoday: Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"