Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of imdaintyaf's best tweets

@imdaintyaf : I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@imdaintyaf: Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

@imdaintyaf: I'm so incapable of accepting a compliment that I've started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@imdaintyaf: People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@imdaintyaf: Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@imdaintyaf: How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

@imdaintyaf: What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me.

@imdaintyaf: Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

@imdaintyaf: When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that's my neighbor haha Hi Pam!