Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of imence2's best tweets

@imence2 : Head says "Forget about her." Heart says "Tell her u love her." Bottle of whisky says"Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."

@imence2: Step 1:Make pillows with"Love" printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@imence2: 9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn't wanna talk about it right now.

@imence2: I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille....

.....I just love smell of campfires.

@imence2: This guys talking about "Calm down, everything happens for a reason". Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@imence2: Gf:Do u love me?


Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You're the best.

Gf:I'm the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?


@imence2: Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn't jerk off because my arms were to short I'd kill everyone too.

@imence2: Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like "for your next divorce" or "clothes that make you feel skinny".

@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun."

Said a bunch of now single guys.

@imence2: I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!