After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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I’d use my best pan on you.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast