dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers