This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]