explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*