Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of imteddybless's best tweets

@imteddybless : message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

@imteddybless: I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@imteddybless: if ur dad didn't want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@imteddybless: us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

@imteddybless: my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"

@imteddybless: when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don't mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@imteddybless: [cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

@imteddybless: something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don't do this.it's a rhombus. u don't care

@imteddybless: haha how about we make a pact if we're both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho