Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of imteddybless's best tweets

@imteddybless : TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

@imteddybless: a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

@imteddybless: if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

@imteddybless: I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

@imteddybless: why do men take selfies like they're being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

@imteddybless: attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for "hours". thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i've got a lasagne cookin

@imteddybless: message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

@imteddybless: I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@imteddybless: if ur dad didn't want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@imteddybless: us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour