Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of imteddybless's best tweets

@imteddybless : i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

@imteddybless: me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

@imteddybless: ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

@imteddybless: TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

@imteddybless: a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

@imteddybless: if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

@imteddybless: I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

@imteddybless: why do men take selfies like they're being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

@imteddybless: attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for "hours". thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i've got a lasagne cookin

@imteddybless: message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.