[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.