Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*