[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.