[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths