An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I am never leaving this website
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.