I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something