Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
That’s classic.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
my mom making me talk to relatives
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Y’all ready for this
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.