NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
this isn’t threatening at all
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.