it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers