All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
no one ever comes back
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Why are bridges so flammable.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.