Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of isabelzawtun's best tweets

@isabelzawtun : Movie trivia is always like, "The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter."

@isabelzawtun: I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

@isabelzawtun: "Veggies?" The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@isabelzawtun: Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like "lol what"

@isabelzawtun: Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn't work

@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED

@isabelzawtun: "3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY" I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
"I'm coming down," the man on the ledge shouts

@isabelzawtun: The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell "surprise, babe, you're gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE"

@isabelzawtun: When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like "sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today"