Funny Tweeter

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Page of isabelzawtun's best tweets

@isabelzawtun : Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@isabelzawtun: Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@isabelzawtun: [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

@isabelzawtun: DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

- my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

- grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

- The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

- there's like a groom or w/e idc

@isabelzawtun: When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

@isabelzawtun: My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me "any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon" & I have not been able to fall back asleep

@isabelzawtun: The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

@isabelzawtun: Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

@isabelzawtun: POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

@isabelzawtun: One day we're gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement