@isabelzawtun: Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
@isabelzawtun: Me: One of you… is the murderer
Everyone: *starts sweating*
Me: (unable to tell who's guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting
@isabelzawtun: "weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-"
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
@isabelzawtun: Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone's gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
@isabelzawtun: I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
@isabelzawtun: *walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
"Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect"
@isabelzawtun: I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
@isabelzawtun: *a movie that's 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn't even notice until 30 minutes in*
@isabelzawtun: We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain