Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of isabelzawtun's best tweets

@isabelzawtun : POUTINE TIMELINE 9 PM: I could go for a poutine 9:15: This is god’s delicious gift 9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them 9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning 11 PM: I could go for a poutine

@isabelzawtun: One day we're gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

@isabelzawtun: The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I'm 80

@isabelzawtun: I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister's
•prom date's
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

@isabelzawtun: We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I'm a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@isabelzawtun: Me: wow I can't believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren't expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@isabelzawtun: Movie trivia is always like, "The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter."

@isabelzawtun: I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

@isabelzawtun: "Veggies?" The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@isabelzawtun: Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like "lol what"