Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iscoff's best tweets

@iscoff : Remember, don't stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they're good at stabbing. Be nice

@iscoff: *draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@iscoff: Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@iscoff: "Did you hire a wedding photographer?"

Sure did!

*a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*

@iscoff: Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@iscoff: [Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music

@iscoff: The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@iscoff: Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@iscoff: My uncle started shouting at me about my "misuse" of emoticons and had a heart attack ;)