[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
eggs benadryl
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?