This is sending me to another galaxy
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Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back