driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good