[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two