My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Thinking about Jeff
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.