Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling