Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
That’s enough internet for the day
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor