Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.