If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
This is true.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A French press is when you hug naked
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.