KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Life is a suicide mission.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me trying to reach for my goals
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here