My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
#gardening
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in